Catch-22

I received an interesting link the other day from a colleague here in Worthington. Part of me thinks I received this link because she read my blog about Abstinence Only classes, but also we’re both members of the Worthington Area Youth Ministry Association, which teaches part of a lesson in the High School and Middle School sex education class. Maybe it wasn’t just a friendly prod.

Anyways, the full article is here. And actually, nothing about the sex/abstinence aspect of this article really struck me given the source. But the parts that did strike me, are the parts where they talk about a teenager’s development. More specifically the female teenager’s development:

Georgene: You mentioned that students are being told they have certain rights that relate to their sexuality. One of the things that they’re not taught is what neurobiologists are now saying about the brains of young people. The presumption has been that they’re fully capable—that they’re really just little adults—and they have the capacity to think through the implications and consequences of their actions when, in fact, neurobiologists are telling us otherwise.

Grossman: Absolutely correct. Parents and kids need to be made aware that this is not happening in sex education because it goes against their agenda of sexual freedom. The biological truth is that the teen brain is immature—in particular, that area of the brain that makes rational decisions. It will take until they are well into their 20s for that area of the brain to fully mature. So teens more than ever need the guidance and the rules that adults will place before them. In my research, I found that rental car companies and auto insurance companies have known this for years. Auto insurance rates go down after the age of 25, and you can’t rent a car unless you are at least 25, and this simply reflects the common-sense wisdom that younger people do tend to make irrational decisions, especially when they are in highly stimulating situations.

Now, I’m not disputing Dr. Grossman’s claims, or that she’s wrong (she is the Ph. D., I’m not). But I DO find it a little confusing when we hear reports of the adolescent longevity stretching to age 28, but then read books that talk about the origins of the terms “Adolescence” and “Teenager”.  We are left to believe that the whole ideal and understanding around these terms is some sort of social pigeon hole, which only leads to low standards. So we think, “Okay, treat them like adults. It’s how it was done 100 years ago.” But then we get studies like Dr. Grossman’s and we are led to believe that, “They’re not mentally capable of adult responsibility, treat them differently.”

But there’s also more questions; could it be that the adolescent brain doesn’t develop as fast because the youth generation is only challenged by low expectations? Could it be that the mere act of labeling a person a “Teen” or “Adolescent” gives us a reason to treat them differently and not hold them to high expectations; thus ultimately delaying neurobiological development? Could it be that our society has systematically and passively set our teenage generations up for failure due to how adults treat them?

If 100 years ago people were considered adults based on how they looked, given full family responsibility, and didn’t end up crazy head cases, then what happened between then and now? What’s different? It would seem to point to the lowering of expectations, which causes delayed development.

So my question is: how do we approach our youth with the understanding that they are not mentally developed to handle adult-sized responsibility without lowering and limiting our expectations? Or maybe they ARE capable of handling adult-sized responsibility and it’s up to us adults to guide them through it. Please discuss, let’s shoot for more than 5 comments!

-Kyle

Tank's on E...Must...Kiss...Baby...

Last Wednesday was a desperately exhausting day. It started out like any Wednesday—checking Facebook, personal email, work email... and then BAM! I received an email from YMToday.com saying that they wanted to publish some of my blog posts on their website (which I think is largely due to Brian down in Missouri, thank you). Wow...wasn't expecting that one.

Ok, so now I have to go through the day with this big news, trying to stay focused on what I have to get done— preparation for various church meetings, a Middle School Kick off, and an area youth gathering. For each thing I'm preparing, I get about 75-80% comfortable with where I'm at. However, they all come through and things work out in the end… like they always do. I get home around 11pm, and I collapse on the couch with my daughter in my arms for the first time of the day. Then I realize something—a change in my life and focus.

If you would have asked me four months ago what I looked forward to throughout the week, I would have said something like, "I love spending time with my wife, but hanging with youth is a lot of fun. I look forward to lunch and Halo with my youth each week."

Now this sounds kind of bad, but I'll admit there were times when I would choose the youth over my wife. It just so happened that she would work a lot, so it gave me more time with the youth. But over the course of the last few months, I have re-evaluated what's important to me. Yes, youth ministry is important to me. Yes, I will be available to youth. Yes, I will continue to be relevant and authentic to the youth. But, no, I will NOT choose youth over my family anymore.

I went to a lot of chapels when I was at Oak Hills Christian College. I heard a lot of messages and teachings, but the only one I remember explicitly is when the then-president Dan Clausen talked about priorities in ministry. The statement that was cemented in my mind was the story of when he started in his first church. The church was excited to have him, and they were encouraged by the great things they could do together. After the welcoming service, one of the elders in the church came up to him, pulled him aside and said, "You know, there's going to come a time where you're going to have to decide between the church and your family, and the church has to win every time."

Now he thought it was bunk back then, and he said if he would have had the guts, he would have put this gentleman in his place. He didn’t, but for some reason this statement has always stuck with me. I can vividly remember Dr. Clausen saying it, so it must be important, right? RIGHT! But I’ve come to find out that it’s very easy to put work ahead of family.

Four months ago, I approached my schedule by planning things in between work and church. Now I plan things in between family time: my family takes precedence over work. Sure Wednesdays and Sundays will forever be big days for me as long as I'm in ministry, and my lovely darling Corrine understands that. But that gives me five other days to enjoy my family and with some work in between.

I'm no family counselor or expert, but maybe this has implications as to why adolescence can extend to age 28. Maybe because parents are choosing to work, and work, and work, and then be parents, our children are missing out on valuable life lessons. Maybe if we re-evaluated what's important to us (family instead of money), the developmental problems we see in our younger generations would more than likely tail off.

I think one of the biggest lies in our society is the ideal that, "I work 80 hours a week so my family can have anything they want." The only problem is that YOU'RE EVERTHING they want. Do you really think a $500,000 house, the new car, or the new whatever is actually what they want? They might say that, but in reality all they want is love from their mother or father. When we have this "80-hour" mindset, it just adds to the materialism within a family. They always want more because for a short period of time after they get a certain thing, they're happy...but then they don't feel the same about it. The enchantment wanes, and all of a sudden, they want the NEXT best thing. What does that mean? An extra couple hours at work to afford it and—TAH-DAH!—the cycle continues.

If we focus on loving our family (which just so happens to fall into Jesus’ Commandment 2 of 2), we are able to cultivate our relationships. We are able to grow in a deeper understanding of each other. The greater importance we place on family development as professionals, the better off we're going to be. Besides, in the end, we all end up in a hole... And who's going to be there? I can guarantee you your Geico money can't give the eulogy.

My $.02.
-Kyle

YM as a MT?

I admit it. I am guilty, 100% guilty. I fell for it, I bought into it, I totally invested into it and was completely and utterly emotionally destroyed last week when I had a killer evening planned for youth group. I planned for 15 (which is a high number for our church) and was completely ready just in case I had a couple of extra people come. I was excited to redeem myself from the previous week's flop of an evening (it's hard to make pizzas when it takes an hour to cook them...and then enter the constant white noise in the fellowship hall and you have a group of chaotic hungries that ooze frustration for two hours).


OK, so my plan was great, a fun, active game, an active lesson, time for discussion and then bring it home with prayer and hangout time. Sounds good right? Now remember when I said I was prepared for 15? Well, it's hard to do a large group lesson/game when only 4 show up...and one of those was a half hour late. UGH! (((heart slowly breaking))) I dragged myself home that night defeated. I had taken extra time planning the night, even rushing through a meeting for another church ministry so I'd have extra time to fine tune things. I even called a couple youth to come in early and help me set up...they were one half of the total group that night. I fell for it, I bought into it...and I failed...I failed at the numbers game. I bet Louis Palau would laugh at my small, teeny, tiny little spec of youth ministry in my church.
So the next morning I dragged myself into my office thinking that I was on the fast-track to a firing..."how can a church financially support someone who's only having 4 youth show up at YG? My church needs results...these aren't results...they are results of failure..."
Enter Pastor Gordon..."Do Hard Things"...and a return to what I know.
Ok, after a long talk with Pastor Gordon, I'm rethinking my ministry with the youth. So apparently I was the only one that was super upset with the turnout last week. From the mouth of Gordon, "Don't worry about numbers, worry about quality ministry." And he's right. It's what I've been taught all the way back to my first week in a YM class at Oak Hills...it's not a numbers game...and I shouldn't have let it become one.
So, what's "Do Hard Things" have to do with it? Well, I'm sure many people have heard of the book written by the Harris twins. Well, it's been on my "To be read" shelf for quite a while and I finally pulled it into my "Reading" group of books. I got four chapters in and had a revelation (most people would call it God speaking to me...which is probably more likely the case). "Ok, if I'm only going to have 4 youth show up...we're going to impact our community. What if we approached youth ministry as a mission team?" So here's what we're going to start doing. Each month has roughly 4 Wednesdays. The first Wednesday we head to the High School to engage in the Worthington Area Youth monthly gathering. It's a monthly gathering of all Worthington youth groups to worship, learn, and grow in community. That leaves 3 weeks to Do Hard Things. I'm going to be devoting probably about 90% of our youth programming to prayer and service. I received a globe donation last year that I was going to utilize for this. But then I had a different idea. In order for the youth (which is a small group) to see what sort of impact we can have globally through prayer, I got some Post-it flags. I'm going to have the youth watch the news for things they feel led to pray about (like the tsunami in Samoa or the earthquake in Indonesia) and write the prayer request on the flag and point it at the location of the event/request. Then we'll devote time during the meeting to praying for these events/requests. Over the course of the school year the globe will be covered in flags showing the breadth of our prayer, but also God's presence across the globe.

Now I know there's not much mission in just praying, so in order to impact our community as a group, I'm going to get a hold of the Catholic Charities director in town and see how we could best volunteer in the community. Then the bulk of the extra three weeks each month will be us out in the community volunteering. Who doesn't learn best by learning? Doesn't this fall into Paul’s, "Work out your own salvation..."? Or how about, "Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin." (Zechariah 4:10 NLT). I'm excited to see these youth grab onto this! I'll try and keep everyone posted on how things are working out with it. But first we're going to do a 6 week study through the book, "Do Hard Things" to hopefully empower the youth and motivate them to take action! Watch out Worthington, FMY IS COMING!!!

-kage